Move over Grindr, Tinder, Tumblr, and Flickr: there's a new way to figure out where to stick your penis! It's called 3nder, presumably pronounced 'thrrrndr', and it's designed to facilitate having threesomes. They're just building buzz at the moment - you can't download the app just yet - but when it does I'm sure it's going to make finding threesomes much easier than putting ads in Craigslist. This is just another step in the whole niche dating environment that's so hot right now, full of startups connecting unicorns with other unicorns, that simultaneously sound dumb but immediately the feeling changes to "damn, I wish I thought of that..."

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Comedian Kevin Hart thinks he knows how to sext. Be blunt, but then back down immediately when asked about it. And if there's one thing women love it's when a man starts out strong but immediately acts like he was pretending, that's totally a turn-on, right ladies?

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Ladies, do you find giving a blowjob boring, ineffective, and unpleasant? Here's how to turn that around. Blowjob expert Joanna Van Vleck can show you how to give a blowjob that is better for you than him. Apparently, part of the process is called Orgasmic Meditation, where one person "gently strokes the other partner's clitoris for 15 minutes." Jesus Christ, if I stroked any woman's clitoris for fifteen minutes, I'm pretty sure she'd be pretty worked up by the time the egg-timer dinged. Cosmo, surprisingly, wasn't overly positive about it, but sucking cock isn't for everyone I guess.

A study of IT professionals in India has discovered something naughty: the high-stress world of IT professionals causes risky sex. High levels of technical and financial stress make tech geeks 6x more likely to pay for sex, and 2x more likely to not use a condom during sex. Wait -- nerds are having sex now? Of course they have to pay for it more than the average person, if 1980s screwball comedies have told me anything it's that the thick-glasses, buck-toothed computer kids never get the girl. You'd think they'd be smart enough to know that condoms are better, though, unless they're so stressed that they're praying for the sweet, sweet release of syphilitic death. Maybe they're still having the condom size problem in India, who knows. As long as they continue to pronounce my name wrong when they call me "Mr. Dufaowall" eighty times during each call, I can sympathize with why they're so stressed.

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Ah, Mommy Blogs, some of the most frustratingly arousing websites out there. So adventurous and naiive at the same time, like dating the Amish. Here's a bucket-list from one of them -- remember, this is a "difficult things to do before you die" list -- but it, really, sounds like a fun weekend to-do list. "Masturbate"? "Married sex"? If you make it to your deathbed without having done either of those, then you've really, really tried hard to avoid them. All I can hope is that one of those Mommybloggers crosses off all 50 by the time she's 24, and then starts really thinking about the unobtainable sexual pleasure she's really missing out on, and then things will get interesting. Like a bucket list entry that actually requires a bucket to accomplish.

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Towels by the bed, sure. Condoms and lube in the drawer, fine. But some lady has a beaker of water for penis-cleaning nearby, and a parenting blog loses its shit. OK, fine, if that's the craziest sex thing people have in their room, whatever, but those disposable butt wipes are fucking perfect for this. Pour out your gross penis-water, wipe up hygenically.

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More proof that sex makes everything awesome: people who have sex four times a week make more money. Sorry, it's not as effective as "fuck bitches get money", because what's really happening is that people who get laid regularly are happier, more satisfied, and all around better people than the undersexed competitors in the workplace, and all that positivity only means bigger raises. If you don't believe me, just try it out a while -- because, really, once you're having sex four times a week, you won't be quite so worried about your paycheck if it doesn't work out the way you expected.

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It's official: lovemaking adds years to your life. Having sex regularly makes you look five to seven years younger, which makes self-conscious thirtysomethings feel better about those gray hairs and little wrinkles. What they don't realize is you have to keep it going, and if they're uncomfortable with old people sex then they'll creep themselves out. There's nothing wrong with old people sex; it's no wonder people are living longer, what with the added access to condoms, viagra, and dildos. It's almost like the sexual revolution caused old people, and it's downright glorious.

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As a psychological experiment, a team of researchers sent a sexy guy out into public to pick up girls, first carrying nothing, then carrying a dufflebag, then carrying a guitar. To the surprise of no Jukebox Heroes whatsoever, the guitar guy got more digits than anyone else. That's why I carry my lunch in a guitar case. You never know when someone sexy might be judging you for what you're carrying.

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Who has the most premarital sex? Buddhists and 'other', do, much to nobody's surprise. The twist is this says "most likely to report", which means the degree to which there is a stigma of talking about it, and not about the actual fucking. Keep in mind, "buddhist" and "other" are what young college kids to do rebel, and generally have religious aspects of fucking and less barrier to premarital boots-knocking, which reduces the surprise about "none" and "missing" - the stigma isn't purely a religious one, it's about the society you're in, so if you can comfortably claim buddhist so you can fuck the hippie chicks in your Anthropology classes, hey, good for you, man, the stigma is less over there.

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This is bullshit, I tell you what. A new study says that men who do household chores and cook get laid less. Ladies, isn't this something you've been telling us will get us laid more? It has to be one big conspiracy - women convince us vacuuming will get us into their pussy, then don't put out. God dammit. Anyhow, men, that's no reason to stop helping with the chores: if you're going to be an asshole around the house, you might end up alone, doing all the housework and sex entirely by yourself.

Ever been having sex, and wonder what a baby would think? No? Too fucking bad, here's a chart that explains it all. Plus, in the interest of humor, the guy and the girl are both apparently virgins and/or are retarded, since they do sexing so horribly, horribly bad, which doesn't explain where the baby came from, maybe the dog brought it home from the park or something, I don't know. It's at least worth a mild chuckle when your expectations are lowered a bit, so there you go.

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Somebody has put together some statistics porn and mapped out the most common places Craigslist "Missed Connections" happen. It should be no surprise that the Bible Belt is dominated by Wal-Mart missed connections - what else fun is there to do there, especially since, generally, you can buy both liquor and guns at them, and aside from church where else do you go? Same goes for Utah: they go to college to find a mate, anywhere else is off-limits for romantic interests. Wisconsin, of course, is 'bar', because if you've ever driven through Milwaukee or Madison, it's gas station...bar... video rental place... bar... tax preparer... bar... Hey, that actually sounds alright, better than Utah anyway, and at least it's not any of these places.

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You may have decided that buying a fake Facebook girlfriend was just too weird, so here's a much more productive Facebook app: Bang with Friends is a Facebook app for finding casual sex in your friend-list. Sadly, everyone in my friend list is either somebody I don't really know, or is really somebody I'm not that interested in fucking. But, I'm also not a college student who gets automatically friended by everyone because I'm in their email list or because they need to get my Algebra homework. In that case, Bang with Friends is a toy for hooking up with people you're probably already hooking up with, which ain't that bad of a place to be in life.

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I've been saying it for years, and now there's a study proving it: sex with a condom is just as satisfying. I've known this for years, because of this logical process: the options generally are "have sex with a condom" or "don't have sex at all". Which one sounds more satisfying, men? The reason that this is a debate is that men and women have included a secondary option, "just have sex anyways without a condom", which does nobody any good, especially people who really should be using condoms anyway. I've had more than one woman who I dated when I was younger who seemed embarrassed and/or ready for an argument when the subject of a condom came up. They were quite relieved that I had no complaint, but I got to fuck, she got to fuck, and everyone was happy. What kind of asshole starts an argument with a women who wants him to stick his dick in her? An asshole, that's who. So, take the article to heart, people: condoms are awesome, because they let you fuck, and stop acting like going bareback is an option in the kind of situation where either person thinks a condom sounds like a good idea. Just wrap it and get on with the fucking, it's all good.

OK, I must either be blocking out the stupidity, or this has finally gotten mainstream enough. Apparently, "Throuples" are where three people date and maybe fuck. For those of us over 22, this was called "stupid college relationships", because when you're twenty and horny you can't help but either fuck a friend's girlfriend, or a friend's boyfriend, or a girlfriend's friend. Eventually, somebody gets pissed, even if it feels naughty and alternative at the time. The Throuple apparently gives the "winner" in the threesome an excuse when one of the others feels left out - because, hey, you knew it was a throuple when we got together, baby. Now, I'm putting this in a different category than polyamory, like everyone else does, because poly relationships don't have a stupid name and have some weight behind it. Throuples are people messing around with more than one person at a time, and that's just juvenile fun. Once you've found a unicorn, then come back and talk about your poly relationship.

Scientists have devoted their lives to cataloging everything from animals to elements, and thank GOD somebody has finally decided to devote the efforts of an army of unpaid grad students to developing the Chart of Known Fetishes. Sure, Rule 34 exists to tell us there's always porn, and ten minutes at 4Chan proves the corrollary. But, maybe you need your mind expanded, so go look at the rather unsexy diagram and see if anything makes your naughty bits waggle just a little: you've discovered a new fetish!

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